LJ Idol Week 3 - Without You
Jul. 23rd, 2024 06:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlebitofearthI think about you a lot. It's been 11 years since we parted ways - mostly - and not a day goes by that you don't pop into my head, unbidden, sometimes as a whisper and other times a shout. And why wouldn't you? There are SO MANY reminders everywhere I go, subtle, screaming, sneaky.
There you are, sensuous in the early morning, in the flavor of my husband's kiss as he leaves for work. At midday, you peer beguilingly into my office door when a coworker asks if anyone wants a little somethin' from Starbucks. At night, you grab for me hard, knowing when I am weakest. Already tired, but seeing groceries and homework and dinner on the horizon, a long way to go until the respite of my bed, I am lured by the charming logos of boba tea shops, the insistent promises you whisper in my blood when I remember what you do for me.
Sometimes I give in, and it feels so damn good I practically revel in my lack of self control, feeling my good intentions condensate and trickle over my fingertips as they clutch an icy to-go cup. I rationalize, justify...This isn't a problem, it's just one time, it just TASTES good! But I know my vulnerability and my appetite and you are so seductive. You are the most accepted drug in the world, a beloved, celebrated stimulant - in fact, me trying to even resist you makes me a freak among my peers and family! But you are a drug nonetheless and you were fucking up my life, so Caffeine, I try to quit you.
When I dumped Caffeine officially, in 2013, it was because I started suffering from insomnia in the weeks before I opened a new library. I couldn't put the anxious voices in my head to bed, so I started staying up later, and drinking more coffee and tea during the day which made me stay up later...and increased my anxiety so I stayed up later... and a vicious cycle began. I was short tempered with my children, falling prey to frequent migraines and not sure if I was running toward a heart attack or a panic attack or a tiger attack. I was constantly on high alert and grinding my teeth to nubs.
The situation wasn't tenable. With a long weekend, I decided to quit Caffeine cold turkey. No more morning coffee, no 3 P.M. Earl Gray. No Coca Cola for dinner, or McDonald's sweet tea (nectar of the gods) in the drive-thru. Y'all, you would have thought I was getting off some Class 1 drug. I had the shakes, headaches, I felt in turns nauseated or ravenous. My energy was at an all time low and I was both depressed and pissed for days. The CAFFEINE was pissed for days! How dare I try to unceremoniously end our relationship? Hadn't he always done me right? Hadn't he been there for me at my lowest, kept me going long after everyone else fell asleep? The Caffeine wanted me back, but I am, if anything, a stubborn bitch and after wrestling him for five days, like some slippery Biblical demon, I woke up feeling clear-headed and carried on with my life.
But it's true, what they say about addiction - even an addiction as pedestrian as Caffeine - you are always just recovering, never cured. When an old lover makes you feel like Caffeine made me feel, it's hard to just turn away when they walk by and wink. And they are ALWAYS freakin' winking. That singing in my blood, every synapse in my brain awake and humming, nerves finely tuned...it was a perfect symphony and Caffeine a brilliant conductor. Look at me, waxing eloquent about my captor! Stockholm syndrome at its finest.
I fight it, mostly. But there are times I give in - vacations are particularly bad - and then I have to gently wean myself again, suffering beastly headaches, their grip around my temples that can't be reached by Extra Strength Tylenol or God. And I am willing to risk it, time and again, for a few days of wide-eyed caffeination a year!
I was talking to a coworker a while back about how much I missed my 3:00 teatime the most. That little bump was what I needed to get me through the midday slump and stay productive until closing time.
"So what did you replace it with?" he asked me.
"Replace it?"
"Yeah, what do you do now to get past the slump if you can't have tea?"
"Oh, now I just eat some candy every afternoon!" I responded blithely.
He nodded slowly and a sad little lightbulb went on in my brain.
Hello everyone, let me introduce you to my new favorite addiction, Sugar.
There you are, sensuous in the early morning, in the flavor of my husband's kiss as he leaves for work. At midday, you peer beguilingly into my office door when a coworker asks if anyone wants a little somethin' from Starbucks. At night, you grab for me hard, knowing when I am weakest. Already tired, but seeing groceries and homework and dinner on the horizon, a long way to go until the respite of my bed, I am lured by the charming logos of boba tea shops, the insistent promises you whisper in my blood when I remember what you do for me.
Sometimes I give in, and it feels so damn good I practically revel in my lack of self control, feeling my good intentions condensate and trickle over my fingertips as they clutch an icy to-go cup. I rationalize, justify...This isn't a problem, it's just one time, it just TASTES good! But I know my vulnerability and my appetite and you are so seductive. You are the most accepted drug in the world, a beloved, celebrated stimulant - in fact, me trying to even resist you makes me a freak among my peers and family! But you are a drug nonetheless and you were fucking up my life, so Caffeine, I try to quit you.
When I dumped Caffeine officially, in 2013, it was because I started suffering from insomnia in the weeks before I opened a new library. I couldn't put the anxious voices in my head to bed, so I started staying up later, and drinking more coffee and tea during the day which made me stay up later...and increased my anxiety so I stayed up later... and a vicious cycle began. I was short tempered with my children, falling prey to frequent migraines and not sure if I was running toward a heart attack or a panic attack or a tiger attack. I was constantly on high alert and grinding my teeth to nubs.
The situation wasn't tenable. With a long weekend, I decided to quit Caffeine cold turkey. No more morning coffee, no 3 P.M. Earl Gray. No Coca Cola for dinner, or McDonald's sweet tea (nectar of the gods) in the drive-thru. Y'all, you would have thought I was getting off some Class 1 drug. I had the shakes, headaches, I felt in turns nauseated or ravenous. My energy was at an all time low and I was both depressed and pissed for days. The CAFFEINE was pissed for days! How dare I try to unceremoniously end our relationship? Hadn't he always done me right? Hadn't he been there for me at my lowest, kept me going long after everyone else fell asleep? The Caffeine wanted me back, but I am, if anything, a stubborn bitch and after wrestling him for five days, like some slippery Biblical demon, I woke up feeling clear-headed and carried on with my life.
But it's true, what they say about addiction - even an addiction as pedestrian as Caffeine - you are always just recovering, never cured. When an old lover makes you feel like Caffeine made me feel, it's hard to just turn away when they walk by and wink. And they are ALWAYS freakin' winking. That singing in my blood, every synapse in my brain awake and humming, nerves finely tuned...it was a perfect symphony and Caffeine a brilliant conductor. Look at me, waxing eloquent about my captor! Stockholm syndrome at its finest.
I fight it, mostly. But there are times I give in - vacations are particularly bad - and then I have to gently wean myself again, suffering beastly headaches, their grip around my temples that can't be reached by Extra Strength Tylenol or God. And I am willing to risk it, time and again, for a few days of wide-eyed caffeination a year!
I was talking to a coworker a while back about how much I missed my 3:00 teatime the most. That little bump was what I needed to get me through the midday slump and stay productive until closing time.
"So what did you replace it with?" he asked me.
"Replace it?"
"Yeah, what do you do now to get past the slump if you can't have tea?"
"Oh, now I just eat some candy every afternoon!" I responded blithely.
He nodded slowly and a sad little lightbulb went on in my brain.
Hello everyone, let me introduce you to my new favorite addiction, Sugar.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-24 12:11 am (UTC)I really enjoyed your entry :)
no subject
Date: 2024-07-24 01:28 am (UTC)That singing in my blood, every synapse in my brain awake and humming, nerves finely tuned...it was a perfect symphony and Caffeine a brilliant conductor.
What a description. I can see why it was so hard to give it up.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-24 01:49 am (UTC)"Y'all, you would have thought I was getting off some Class 1 drug." Right there with ya! Well, except I haven't kicked it, not even a little bit. LOL
Great entry!
Dan
no subject
Date: 2024-07-24 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-24 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-25 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-25 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-25 11:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-26 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-26 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-27 03:28 am (UTC)People tell my I should stop drinking it, but my doctor doesn't. She understands. She loves her coffee too.
This was fun. Thank you. ❤❤
no subject
Date: 2024-07-28 12:11 am (UTC)